Things You Learn as a Kid

No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.

If your sister hits you, don't hit her back.

They always catch the second person.

Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.

Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.

School lunches stick to the wall.

You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandma's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED

Raising teenagers is like nailing JELLO to a tree.

There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it.

For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere... and let the air out of their tires.

Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.

Families are like fudge .. mostly sweet with a few nuts.

Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.

Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.